Computer admin work - ugh! It's a never-ending process, just like laundry, and I almost always begrudge and avoid it. I'd rather be at the loom or in the woods.
Over the last few years however, I have held a gentle intention to bring structure to my life, to handcraft my life with two hands, and in the process to heal and grow my masculine - that force within me who creates order and beauty in my outer world by following the direction of my wild feminine within. This call to heal my inner masculine came after decades of resurrecting my inner feminine.
About 25 years ago when I hit a deep healing crisis, I began the long, painful, arduous, and grimy descent into my darkness to resurrect the feminine, that sovereign force within me who holds space and cycles, who knows about being, and knows about the knowing.
Just like the goddess Inanna, who descended into the underworld, died, and was resurrected three days later, over the two decades on my journey, I died many times over, hung on that meat hook many times over, and dragged my sorry arse back up into the light, many times over.
Somehow, just as nature always returns to Spring, one day I realized that my inner woman was blossoming and glowing, strong and healthy. She had been resurrected from the over-culture's oppressive expectations and roles, and basically was walking around feeling really OK with being unusual, odd, eccentric, wild, deep, and powerful.
Through all those years though, she had had to fight the patriarchal overculture's masculine who had hurt and oppressed me so, and who was also deeply introjected within my shadow. I projected all over the place and my anger was a great catalyst for change. The introjected shadow of my masculine though would reveal himself in what Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls, "the dark man dreams." For a number of years, this inner predator would come into my dreams and terrorize me until I would wake up in a panic attack.
One day, as I was reading Dr Estes's writing on Bluebeard, I realized that every time the dark man came into my dream world, I was actually making bold moves and following my feminine/my heart in my outer world. So although, pretty darn scary, I was actually making progress!
One night, I had a dream that turned it all around. I was walking along a beautiful boulevard when a long limousine pulled up, and out stepped a henchman, followed by a terrifyingly intimidating mob boss - a godfather! Something different happened though, my dreaming self woke up!
I walked right up to him and with my whole body trembling in fear, I said, "I know you are the dark man, and I am going to get my soul back!" I then walked away, continuing along the boulevarde and immediately woke up. Although it was terrifying, I had faced him and to this day, the dark man dreams are few and far between. If I have them, I wake up, clap my hands and do the happy dance because it means I'm being my wild self in my outer life.
As all this was going on, I wondered to myself, "What part of my soul? If my feminine is free, could the dark man have my masculine?"
So just as I had gone on the quest to resurrect my inner feminine, I now set out on a quest to find my inner masculine. Now, I was climbing the mountain rather than descending, I was hanging on the cross rather than the meat hook, and I was stepping out of the tomb rather than the underworld. Over these years, as I held the intention, Spirit sent me everything I needed. I began to welcome men into the shamanic circles circles I had been teaching for years, my dear brothers and I spent some sacred and healing times together, and I went deep with the plant medicine to heal betrayal and abandonment. I also began to develop amazing friendships with men, and many layers were peeled off my eyes to see my husband in a new light many times. Eventually, this new masculine presence started to appear in my dreams, and in my journeys ~ a gentle and sensitive creative spirit, who is really eager to serve his Queen, my feminine!
Then today came the realization! As I was working, I took a breather and sat back to relax. All of a sudden I was filled with gratitude for my magical, little work nook which has developed into an amazing hub of structure and organization that completely supports me to express my heart and be in service. In that moment, I realized that here was my inner masculine manifested! This gentle, creative and potent force had indeed created structure and beauty, and was indeed supporting my feminine to birth her dreams.
Spring had come - my inner masculine was here!
From the top of my head to the tips of my toes I saw the structure and support. Starting with my pink exercise ball which has replaced my chair and is a necessity for any ADD creative genius, to my fold-away desk which provides boundaries between work and my home life, to Avalokiteshvara who reminds me to be compassionate with all my imperfections (there's a lot of those), the salt lamp that helps with air quality and electromagnetic stuff, the love trinkets crafted by my beloveds, Rumi's poetry for Chai breaks, and last but definitely not least, the little heating pad at my feet for those chilly feet days.
If you would like to explore your inner landscape of the sacred feminine and masculine, and what happens when they come together, please join me at "You Are the Divine Spark" an afternoon workshop at Karma Teachers in New Westminster, on Saturday, April 29th
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We would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the Squamish, Kwikwetlem, Tsleil-Waututh, Kwantlen, and Katzie Nations, whose ancestral lands we live, work, and teach upon.